What Comes After Saying “I Do” at 20.

I recently had coffee with a friend who is in a similar season of life as me. It is not often that I am able to talk with someone who is in their early twenties and married, let alone someone who I went to college with. And as much as I love having friends from every walk of life, it is always special to connect with a person who is walking right along side of you.

That evening as Anthony and I were barbecuing kabobs, I felt challenged by certain aspects of my coffee conversation. In the midst of her sharing about the last two years of her life, she was unintentionally forcing me to become aware of a wound that I had buried, ignored, and denied for so long. She helped me to realize that I have been hiding from a portion of who I am. For so long I have been hiding from my age.

2013 Book List

Secrets of a Very Good Marriage: Lessons from the Sea – Sherry Suib Cohen
Running Scared – Edward T Welch
Bread and Wine – Shauna Niequist
The Color of Rain – Michael Spehn
The White Umbrella – Mary Frances
Invitation to SIlence and Solitude – Ruth Hayley Barton
Barefoot Church – Brandon Hatmaker
The Meaning of Marriage – Timothy Kell
Sheet Music – Keven Leman
When Sinners Say “I Do” – Dave Harvey
A Lasting Promise – Scott M. Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Milt Bryan
Sacred Influence – Gary Thomas
Quiet: The Power of Introverts – Susan Cain
Through Painted Deserts – Donald Miller
Gift from the Sea – Anne Morrow
My Utmost for His Highest- Oswald Chambers
The Lost Girls – Jennifer Baggett
Calm My Anxious Heart – Linda Dillow
Wanderlove – Kirsten Hubbard
Iscariot – Tosca Lee
Do They Know I’m Running? – David Corbett
Witness to War – An American Doctor in El Salvador
All Ted Dekker books

on fear, surfing, and crocodiles.

I would say there are few things I love and am as passionate about as traveling. Maybe it is the magic of experiencing a country that, up until that point, you have only seen in pictures or it could possibly be that it is the one common ground Anthony and I fully connect on – I mean we did meet by going to Africa together. But even more so, I would argue it is the one place that I feel completely confident and free in my own skin. Every insecurity seems to drip away as soon as I step on the plane and I feel as if I am ‘fully me’ as I wander the streets of a distant nation. All of my beauty is restored as I connect with new names and languages and it feels effortless to leave behind all I have ever known to embrace the new. I feel confident and assured in my skin and it feels as if I could conquer the world.

Traveling is not only a high for me, but a reminder of how small I am. It is a reminder of how big the world really is and how my story is one in millions. It is a reminder that adventure, love, and pure joy cannot be bought or googled, but it can only be experienced. I love traveling because I feel as if I was made for experiencing the world. As silly as it sounds, I feel that when God created me, he said, ‘At the center of her heart, I will place the world.’ I love culture THAT much. It is my music, my canvas, and my arena. It is where I open new doors and close old ones. Whenever I step on the plane, I know I will come back a different person – and I live for that.

It has been WAY too long since I last used my passport. Although my very sweet husband planned a romantic honeymoon on the Caribbean island of Antigua, it was not ‘traveling.’ There were no cultural experiences and our ‘island tour’ consisted of visiting a donkey farm and shopping at a cruise port.

After that trip – as romantic and luxurious as it was – we vowed to never travel like that again.

This summer, we are coming up on our two year wedding anniversary and some of you may know we will be traveling through Central America. To say I am ecstatic would be an understatement. Not only do we have a countdown and maps of the continent plastered in our hallway, but I may or may not have read every blog I could find about traveling through Central America.

I can feel myself fighting the urge to start packing my backpack even though we still have 39 days, so instead I am going to buy a pair of  goggles and start swimming at the gym today.

how I am kicking my butt back into the gym.

Today I learned something about myself that I really don’t like -I suck at being disciplined. 

It wasn’t always this way. I grew up learning that if I was to make a commitment, I would see it all the way through. I remember having countless talks with my dad when I wanted to quit my latest hobby or sport team and his answer was always the same, ‘You will finish what you have started. Estes’ are not quitters.’

This mindset followed me through college and I remember how overjoyed I felt when I made the Dean’s List my freshman year after never being able to pull straight A’s in high school. My sophomore year in college I made a New Year’s Resolution to take on the sport I dreaded most: running. I dished out a good chunk of money for new running shoes and ran almost every day for the entire spring semester. I even ran my first race.

I need a storm.

The way in which I experience God the most is through the weather.

On my wedding day, I had a beautiful moment right before the ceremony in which I was alone. The room I got ready in was in a separate building from the church so I had to walk across a small parking lot before walking down the aisle. As I waited for my dad to come escort me, I stood in the double door glass entrance watching the sky unleash a brilliant thunderstorm. I was the only person left in the building and silence pierced the air as I watched drops of water slam into the windows. In a moment I had imagined to be filled  with butterflies and anticipation, I felt tears streaming down my face as God’s presence embraced me. Any fears, doubts, and insecurities I had about myself vanished in a raging summer storm that I knew was a gift specifically for me.And as I watched a loving dad run to get his first born daughter and walk her down the aisle, I also felt the nudge of my heavenly father to jump into the waters of marriage with Anthony and to do it with confidence.

The thunder that roared throughout the entire ceremony only solidified the sacredness of the commitment taking place.

Taken before the wedding, you can see the storm beginning to cover the sky in the background.

you have something to offer this world.

I am going to make this short and sweet – mainly because I should be writing a paper on international politics…fun right?

Recently, and on a daily basis, I have been struggling with the mindset of ‘not being enough.’ As someone who is aspiring to start my own business, I face the daily challenge of confidence in my ability. I also wrestle with the daunting ‘what if’ questions.

I believe the spirit of comparison is one of the most dangerous and crippling attitudes a person can have. As I attempt to slowly toss my dreams out into the world, I am consistently reminded of how many other talented and successful people there are out there. And usually, they are doing exactly what I want to be doing. I find myself becoming jealous and territorial. I catch myself whispering, “That was my idea first,” or “I can do it better.”

My Favorite Semester in College

One of my favorite sounds is the chirping of birds.  My house is surrounded by ageless, hovering trees that are home to so much life and, if I am awake early enough, I am able to hear the birds.

The sound of my 1950′s heating system means it is a cold morning and I am curled up in blankets on my couch. From the moment it kicks in to when the heat begins to fill the room, my walls grumble and creek for about 30 seconds. On warmer mornings like today, I like to turn the heat up just so I can hear it blasting through my tiny home.

My kitchen faucet drips if you don’t place the nozzle just right, my coffee maker continues to gurgle even after it has brewed, and my dog likes to sigh in her sleep as she is curled up on her bed right next to the vent. If it is a weekday, I hear cars pulling out of their driveways for work and kids walk by my front window on their way to school. On the weekends, morning joggers are out and couples walk their dogs with coffee in hand.

These are my favorite moments of the day.

In the early morning, before agendas begin, I love to sit in silence with a book and my journal. Sometimes, like this morning, I write. And sometimes, I curl up on my couch and sleep. Something about these sounds brings me rest.

because we are all rejected at some point.

I love how my days never go how I plan. Of course some days I am able to check off every item on my to do list, but those days are far and few between.

This morning is no different as I never anticipated writing a blog, but I felt that certain weight on my heart that means I need to write.

This past week I read a friend’s blog on the subject of rejection. It focused heavily on rejection within romantic relationships and overcoming the dreaded phrase, it’s not you, it’s me. I walked away feeling encouraged by her writing although, as a serial dater up until marriage, I did not feel I could relate (not because I am awesome but because my insecurities left me always needing a boyfriend). This morning though, I realized her words cut through to one of my deepest insecurities, rejection by people.

Although I may have never had a problem finding a boy who would play the dating game with me, I have spent the majority of my life struggling to make friends.

A New Year, The Same Me.

For many, the new year is about a fresh start.  We pretend that if we think long and hard enough about the person we desire to become, we can accomplish it-this year.  I am the guiltiest of all with my 2013 Goals List and my countless ideas of how to be a smarter, prettier, better dressed, more creative, and a more spiritual me.  And there is nothing wrong with setting goals or desiring to become a more refined person, but I know that as I make these lists, it is only a matter of time before they slowly fade away into the spring and summer. Then, by the fall, they will be non existent until the winter comes and I write them again.